Nurturing Elders and Others:
Community Conversations Explore End-of-Life
By The Rev. Paul Graves • elderadvocates@nctv.com
This month, I want to share a simple story with you about how my consulting ministry on aging – Elder Advocates – took a little different shape this past year. Perhaps it will give you a new idea, or the courage to pursue an idea you’ve played with far too long without acting on it.
A year ago, the local Episcopal Church in Sandpoint, Idaho approached me in helping to put together a public event to discuss end-of-life issues. The initiator of this effort was Nolan, a retired Episcopal priest, who had stage IV cancer. He and his wife, Vira, wanted to use his situation to show folks how important it is to talk about end-of-life with family and friends “before it’s too late”. To date, we have hosted two “Community Conversations” in Sandpoint.
About 60 persons have attended each conversation and have reported how helpful they have been to them. We were a bit shocked that this many people would come together on a Saturday morning in Sandpoint to talk about death, dying, and how to live before you die. But we were also thrilled.
The first event was entitled “Is There Life Before Death? A community conversation about embracing life, and dying, every day.” The poster/flyer then issued this invitation: “Have you or a loved one been diagnosed with a terminal illness? Can we remove fear, attain acceptance, and live with grief? Are you the diagnosed person, spouse, caregiver, concerned family member, friend? We’re all on this journey of life. So as we anticipate our physical deaths sooner or later, our challenge is to inject a passion for living into each and every day.”
So our intent was to be as up front — and upbeat — as possible about this end-of-life journey we all take. Nolan and Vira particularly wanted to let folks know their way of dealing with his disease process (that they called “dead man walking”) worked for them. They wanted to encourage others to find healthy ways to deal with their own issues.
Participants overwhelmingly asked us to do another “Community Conversation.” So, in January 2013, we hosted “I Don’t Know What to Say…” This second community conversation about end-of-life issues focused on our struggles to community with, and support, persons we care about before a crisis, during a crisis, and after a crisis.
One of the very helpful resources we found, and shared, was the “Conversation Starter Kit” put out by The Conversation Project. This collection of gentle but direct questions is a great way to begin that important conversation with your family members. You can download the kit at www.conversationproject.org.
After a successful second event, we discovered that the word “conversation” originally had nothing to do with talking. Back in the 14th century, it dealt more with “living together” in some form of community. What a great discovery for us! That “living together” in healthy ways is what our events hoped to encourage.
Currently, we are assisting an Episcopal Church in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho to start its own Community Conversation. We are also planning our next event in Sandpoint. The topic isn’t settled yet.
One real bonus of this year’s work: our planning meetings have turned into a significant small group for us all.
What about Nolan and Vira? He reported to us in late June that his doctors have pronounced him cancer-free! He attributes that news to prayer by many folks, but also to the incredible support he has received in our small group/ planning committee. Now they live with a “second chance” kind of hope. So might we all!
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Living Fully, Dying Well (4497) |
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Reflections of Psalm 23 for People with Cancer (D4608) |
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DOWNLOAD Channels 64, August 2013! |
