By Amanda Nicol | Ministry Intern serving at Gresham UMC in Gresham, OR
[dropcap]T[/dropcap]his past Sunday, we had a guest speaker come to preach at Gresham United Methodist Church, the community that I am serving alongside for the duration of my internship. She preached on the concept of “middle space”, that space between the endings in life and the new beginnings where we often spend much of our time, watching for, and waiting on, God to move. These spaces in life are frequently barren and painful. We do not like to linger long, afraid of encountering too intimately our emotions: grief, loss, anger, confusion, joy that is also bittersweet…pick your flavor.
For me, discerning God’s call on my life often feels like one long walk through middle space. My first post-college foray into vocational ministry came on the heels of an abrupt and painful ending in my life. One day I was heading very clearly in one direction, and literally the next I was forced to detour far off the path I thought I was meant to follow. I was quickly disabused of the narrow vision I had for my future and quite suddenly a wide vista opened up before me, overwhelming in its expanse and perceived emptiness.
The landscape of discernment for me has been vast, often intimidating, sometimes blinding in its possibility, and frequently frustrating. Worst of all, it lacks a map, the one thing I desire most. To say I merrily took the blind step of trust forward that necessitated my coming to Gresham UMC is to ignore the intense fear and doubt I felt for many months beforehand.
And yet, my transition into this middle space of discernment has not been entirely devoid of beauty. I am often overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers. The greatest blessing I have received in this internship so far is a community at Gresham UMC that has graciously welcomed me, a stranger in their midst, with open arms, eager to walk beside me as I wrestle with and define my sense of calling.
[quote_box_left]This is a great gift that the Church can give to any of its young people, to be a bulwark of love and support in times of seeking and confusion.[/quote_box_left]This is a great gift that the Church can give to any of its young people, to be a bulwark of love and support in times of seeking and confusion. Gresham has attended to my needs and is giving me a safe space where I can lean into and explore all my questions. And it is in leaning into, rather than running away from, the middle space that I find my God: a God who coaxes, calls, and comforts me; a God who asks me to abide in the deep questions and holds my hand as I do so; a God who points to the distant horizon and says, “Look! Do you not see it? I am doing a new thing!”
Sure, the middle space is more often than not frustrating, exhausting, and uncomfortable. Many days I squint at that far-off horizon and say in desperation, “Lord, I do not see it! What are You doing?” But I am always reminded (and believe me, I must be constantly reminded) that it is not my doubt that truly matters, but only His promises. Is it not wonderful, that even in the most barren of places we have the sure promise that God is present and creating something new? It is the very essence of His being to redeem, resurrect, and recreate.
And this promise is not just for individuals, but also for the church as a whole. I believe the United Methodist Church (and much of mainline Protestantism, to be honest) is in its own process of transition, a transition that will have its own middle space, however long or short. It is in this vein that my mentor pastor, Steve Lewis, and I have been having frequent conversations. We talk a lot about the future of the UMC in North America. We agree the reality is that many congregations will look very different fifty years from now. Some may not even exist. Sometimes I share our parishioners’ fears and sadness over this truth. Whether as individuals or communities, change is invariably challenging.
Still, we are not Christians if we do not believe wholeheartedly in the promises of God, who tells us throughout Scripture not to fear, for He will redeem that which is broken and raise up that which is dead. We cannot know when or how exactly endings will come to pass or in what manner God will ordain our new beginnings. But we can most certainly be assured that there will be a new beginning.
It is my most fervent prayer that, as change arrives, the Church will lean into its middle space, just as I am leaning into mine, so better to meet our God and hear what He has to say. The Spirit is making a road in the wilderness and we are invited to tread where we have not trod before, with glad hearts, always relying on the faithfulness of God and His promises.
Amanda is a twenty-something Spokane, Washington native recently transplanted to the Portland, Oregon area. She graduated from the University of Puget Sound in 2012, where she was actively involved in campus ministry. When she is not reading too many books or watching too much Netflix, she is learning how to let herself be surprised and loved by God as she explores what it means to be called as a Christian in the world today. She is currently serving as a Ministry Resident at Gresham United Methodist Church in Gresham, Oregon under the mentorship of Dr. Steve Lewis.
