By Amanda Nicol | Ministry Intern serving at Gresham UMC in Gresham, OR
There was a time in my early adolescence, not long after I finally began owning for myself the Christian narrative I had been steeped in since my infant baptism, that I took my faith so seriously I was very nearly in danger of killing it. Anybody who knows me well is likely to smile and nod knowingly at that admission. I was serious and careful even as a young child, seldom spontaneous or, heaven forbid, reckless. I thrive on order and structure – the more details and rules, the better. And if you asked me what I value most in this world, I would forthrightly tell you that it is discipline.
“Life is pain,” Ann Voskamp writes, “and you get to choose: either the pain of discipline or the pain of disappointment.”
EXACTLY, screams my brain.
And somewhere deep inside me, my soul dies by another degree.
I recently confessed to my spiritual director that I feel stuck in my relationship with God, although stuck is perhaps not the correct word. Tired? Drained? Something like that, with some irritation and resentment thrown into the mix for good measure. My prayer life often feels clouded and burdensome. I have lately resorted to affecting a silent posture of prayer where I shove all coherent thoughts out of my mind and, a la Romans 8:26, let my spirit scream or groan or laugh wildly, trusting that heaven can interpret my madness. Honestly, this is not how I prefer to meet with God. It makes me feel like a crazy person.
In her usual stunningly insightful way, my spiritual director cut right to the root of the issue and quoted this verse (Psalm 37:4) back at me:
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
She always gives me the best stuff to think about.
I find this verse alternately comforting and troubling. On a surface level, I am reassured by the psalmist’s words that if I just love God, He is ultimately on my side, even if all evidence appears to point to the contrary. Still, the operative word in that sentence is ultimately. God is not a cosmic, wish-granting genie and this scripture verse is not a secret formula for always getting what I want. I have to be careful not to let myself fall into the trap of living out a superficial prosperity gospel, as tempting as it is some days.
Instead, I now feel myself called to focus more on the delight portion of that verse and less on the desires portion, partially because I have begun to wonder whether what my heart truly longs for goes much deeper than the seeming desires I articulate on any given day. I genuinely believe the Lord is sovereign in all things and that He works for the good of those who love Him. But what I want and what I ultimately need are two very different things. Even if I cannot always distinguish between the two, I believe that without exception the Lord does. On those days where it feels like my heart’s desires will never be met, I think of this verse and let myself ponder the secret purposes of the Lord.
Still, when my spiritual director brought up Psalm 37, we bypassed all the messy theology and primarily concentrated on the concept of delight. In light of my particular personality, this was my instinctive interpretation of what the psalmist meant when he instructed us to enjoy the Lord: methodical Scripture study; structured, repetitive prayer; regular church attendance; tithing. In other words, I pictured the pious discipline of a nun.
By contrast, my spiritual director called to mind her recent experience of attending a Bollywood dance party.
I felt absurd. This is because, at the risk of making myself sound extremely stiff and dour (I assure you, I am not), fun is not my natural state. It dawned on me that I had been overlooking the very basic definition of what it means to delight in the Lord. Delight means great pleasure. The word transformed before my eyes and I suddenly understood why my prayer life has felt so wearied: I have been approaching my discernment process as all work and no play. When I answered the call to explore professional ministry as a vocation, I answered it out of a solemn sense of duty and obedience to the will of God. There was a lot of fear and resentment in the answering, but not much joy. And while I have made progress in my discernment process, I have also worn my spiritual life dangerously thin.
Now, at the halfway point in my residency, I am thinking it is time for a change. I am contemplating what it would look like for me to take pleasure in my process of discernment and re-discover the ways in which I enjoy the Lord. This practice of discovery might mean a renewed interest in Scripture study and prayer, but presently I am thinking it looks more like walks in the park, taking a yoga class, and trying out a new recipe or two. It looks like a renewed emphasis on self-care and well-being. Emphasizing the moments of delight instead of the end-goal of my desires feels a little like a Jedi mind trick, but I am curious and excited to see how a greater sense of joy in my daily experience of the divine may transform my sense of calling for the better.
Amanda is a twenty-something Spokane, Washington native recently transplanted to the Portland, Oregon area. She graduated from the University of Puget Sound in 2012, where she was actively involved in campus ministry. When she is not reading too many books or watching too much Netflix, she is learning how to let herself be surprised and loved by God as she explores what it means to be called as a Christian in the world today. She is currently serving as a Ministry Resident at Gresham United Methodist Church in Gresham, Oregon under the mentorship of Dr. Steve Lewis.
