By Sam & Christy Geyer*
When I was appointed to serve as the pastor of White Salmon UMC, my wife Christy was not able to move with me. She has her own career, although when I was first appointed, she did look for available work in White Salmon. There was none to be found, so we decided that she and I would need to live apart. This would allow her to continue to work until she was ready to retire in a few more years. As I prepared to move, we talked about what it would mean for us to live apart, and we believed that we could make it work. However, neither of us was prepared for the emotional impact the separation would have on us.
The initial excitement of going to a new church, getting to know new people, and exploring a new community allowed us to push the impact of living separately into the background. But by the end of summer, being apart was becoming increasingly difficult.
Calling clergy spouses! We are looking for a clergy spouse who is willing to write about their experiences of itineration, perhaps a comic story of one of your moves, coupled with some sound advice for spouses who are new to the process. If anyone is interested, please e-mail me at suemagrath@msn.com.
The first thing was to begin to talk honestly about how we felt about our situation. It helped to be able to say “this sucks” and even “I hate this.” Naming the feelings of loneliness allowed us to look honestly at whether or not we could make this work. We had discovered that we are not really built to live apart from one another. But we are also people of faith, so we decided to trust our faith, and that led us to do a couple of things that did make a difference.
First, we decided to tell the church what we were feeling. We were not sure how they would react, but the good people of White Salmon UMC responded with grace and love. They embraced the health of our marriage as a priority. They began to pray for us, and they became intentional in asking us how we were doing. Their concern for our relationship has been heartening and has made the relationship she and I have with the church one that is warm and supportive.
I also made sure that my District Superintendent knew about our situation, and David has been very supportive. I also shared our experience with some clergy friends and discovered that my wife and I are not the only couple who are living apart. The one thing my friends told me that helped them most was to be very intentional in making time to be together, and that is what Christy and I have tried to do.
Trusting in God reminded us that I was in White Salmon because I was called to be there, and therefore, God knows what is happening with us. As many of us know, following God is not always the easiest thing to do. But what we have come to trust is that God is also bearing the burden of loneliness we are feeling. That insight has helped make our situation far more tenable than it was a few months ago.
Christy and I continue to talk about how we are each handling the time apart, and we have become very intentional in making time to be together when she is in White Salmon. We have found that sharing our situation with the good people of the church has allowed them to become allies as we live into the call to serve them.
And even though this has been, and still can be, difficult for us, it has been our faith in God and our trust in the call that has held the most value for us. We know that we are not alone, because God is always with us to listen, to comfort, and to bear this for us. That is what has made it possible for Christy and I to continue to do the work of God in this place.
*Edited by Sue Magrath
I’m wondering how you reconciled the church’s requirement that you live in White Salmon even if it doesn’t include your wife with the declaration you made to God at your wedding to “live together in holy marriage”?
Fortunately now retired, my wife and I are no longer subjected to the insanity of itineracy. The practice in my Conference for many years was to appoint clergy couples first, enabling their cohabitation, and clergy with working spouses later, which in some cases led to their being separated or losing significant employment. Then again, some pastors have succeeded in as much as 20 years in the same appointment to accommodate their working spouses. Others were not as fortunate. This kind of “preferential treatment” of some over others seems morally questionable at best, and grounds for litigation at worst. Perhaps the itineracy in an era where there is no longer a frontier and both spouses having to work has lived way beyond its practicality.