{"id":14044,"date":"2016-10-11T10:09:21","date_gmt":"2016-10-11T17:09:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pnwumc.org\/news\/?p=14044"},"modified":"2016-10-11T10:11:36","modified_gmt":"2016-10-11T17:11:36","slug":"the-complicated-gift-of-being-a-clergy-spouse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pnwumc.org\/news\/the-complicated-gift-of-being-a-clergy-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"The Complicated Gift of Being a Clergy Spouse"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Patrick Scriven | Director of Communications, Young People\u2019s Ministries<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Being a clergy spouse is a complicated gift. In my experience, it has many positives but also some potential negatives.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I tend to be much better at seeing negatives, let me name some of the positives first. A pastor\u2019s family is often welcomed into the life of a church in ways I wish all church visitors could experience. You are greeted and asked real questions, your kids are doted upon, and you are likely to receive more casseroles than you ever knew existed. During the best of times, you get an unearned residual on the love and\/or admiration the congregation has for your spouse.<\/span><\/p>\n

But there are real downsides too. The biggest ones typically involve unspoken expectations and church conflicts.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Patrick
Patrick Scriven<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

First, let me name an elephant in the proverbial room. As the husband of the pastor, I was free of many of the expectations that clergy wives receive upon entering a church; and yes, they still exist in some churches<\/span><\/a>. A number of these expectations were formed during bygone years when spouses rarely had their own careers. Simply put, they are not only outdated<\/strong> (for example, that the pastor\u2019s wife would manage the church kitchen), they are potentially onerous<\/strong> for two-income families (not to mention solo pastors).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It must be said that some clergy spouses absolutely love to contribute in ways others might define as traditional and restrictive. The important difference lies in whether those expectations are indeed shared, and whether you as the spouse have agency in how they are shaped. Churches should work toward creating space for clergy spouses especially as they head into a transition; they may be blessed by gifts they hadn\u2019t known they\u2019d needed.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

As I mentioned, the family often earns a residual on the love a church has for their pastor. Unfortunately, the inverse is sometimes true as well. While a good number of church folk are conscientious enough to leave the family out of any pastoral\/church conflict, that isn\u2019t always the case. And even if conflict is handled well by church members, there is still the work of being supportive of your spouse as they weather a difficult situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

In my experience (some of it earned from doing things wrong), it is never a good thing to get involved as a clergy spouse in church conflict. Setting good boundaries<\/strong> in advance is essential to remaining a healthy partner and contributing church member.<\/span><\/p>\n

Every family functions differently, and churches bring differing degrees of health or disfunction to the table as well. The following suggestions are offered in reflection upon my experiences and from those of others I have been honored to hear. They may not be perfect for all.<\/span><\/p>\n